Relationships come, relationships go. If you’re the one going, so is half of your stuff. We spend years building our lives and accumulating stuff together too. So what happens when it’s time to go? You take what you can and you leave a lot of things behind because they’re just not worth fighting over.

When you decide to move in with your significant other, decisions have to be made. Will you split the cost of bills evenly or will one of you handle rent and the other food and utilities? Whose bed are you going to keep? Whose couch and dining set is going to fit best in the new place? Consolidating stuff and deciding what to get rid of can lead to anxiety and frustration in a relationship. When I moved in with an ex, he gave me so much shit for basically having an entire home’s worth of stuff piled into my one bedroom apartment. Mind you, I took many of my things with me when leaving a previous relationship where I lived in a much bigger 2 bedroom condo.

Starting A New Life Is Expensive

I’ve left many things behind, my heart, my sanity, but what stings the most is having to spend my hard earned money just to start over again. There’s the cost of hiring movers, buying a new bed, buying a new fridge, first and last month’s rent, etc. It’s no surprise that people often stay together far longer than they know they should have, because leaving is expensive as fuck!

I’m not surprised that sentiments have changed when it comes to living together, it seems more people are choosing to live on their own and keep their separate homes. Not only does the cost of leaving affect you financially, but it costs a steep price emotionally too. In relationships we share friendships, routines, holidays, time and energy. When you leave a relationship, someone, if not both of you, loses much of the life and connections that you have grown accustomed to. I was very fond of an exes nieces and nephews, I loved playing with them and watching them grow up. The heartbreak of never seeing them again is something you just take away with you in silence, sometimes, you don’t even get to say goodbye.

Moving In Together Is A Big Deal

Before you make the leap and decide to move in with the person you love, be sure that they are someone you are planning to spend your life with. Of course, things can change, someone might cheat or fall out of love, but two people should go into a life together fully committed to making it work. Having a bad breakup with someone you live with can end up being quite traumatizing. You’re both angry, hurt, and now someone has to sleep on the couch. You’re still having to engage with each other, with little to no space to cool off. It’s not easy to just pick up your whole life and leave on a whim. It took me about 2 years to be able to afford moving myself and my kids out after splitting from my ex-husband. Feeling stuck is a situation I wouldn’t wish on anyone!

How To Plan For An Unexpected Breakup

People get blindsided all the time in relationships, and the last thing you want is to feel stuck with someone who may have betrayed you or completely flipped their personality. Individually, you should always have your own savings just in case for emergencies. Consider what it costs to put a down payment on a new place and to hire movers if needed. It’s OK to have a joint account for shared bills and rent, but make sure you are also saving cash on the side. If you’re fortunate enough to find yourself in a healthy happy relationship, well guess what! You’ve both now saved enough money to put towards your wedding or honeymoon! Congrats!

The cost of leaving is real and tangible, it’s not just some metaphor about seemingly wasted years and effort. Couples don’t need two beds and two refrigerators and two dining sets, someone is always giving up something when entering a new relationship. You might consider asking someone you know if they would be OK with keeping that extra fridge in their garage for you, or offering to let someone borrow your extra furniture items for their own barren home, at least until you’re absolutely sure you won’t need it anymore.

How To Approach Moving In Together

You might be asking yourself, “Well how do I even approach this with my partner?”. Listen, if you’re both mature enough to even consider moving in together, then you should be mature enough to have a real conversation about what that actually looks like, good or bad. It’s as simple as saying, “Hey, lets make sure this living situation is going to work for both of us… financially, emotionally, and practically.”

Take it from me kids, I’ve learned some hard lessons in my 41 years of life. At this point, I don’t think I would even consider moving in with someone without a ring on my finger… hey, a girl can dream! Moving in together has its perks and drawbacks, you learn a lot more about your partner, all their little quirks and habits, but you also get to come home to someone you love and just share the simple joys of daily life with. There are no rules to how two people choose to create their relationship, some people get married and still keep separate bedrooms or entirely separate homes, and that works for them. It’s about what works for the both of you and what makes YOU happy, no matter what society or anyone else says.

Moving in together is a decision that should not be taken lightly and having a conversation about what that looks like before deciding could help identify potential red flags or issues in compatibility.

Questions To Ask Before Agreeing To Move In:

• Are you both financially stable, responsible, and reliable?
• What are your expectations around cleanliness and household chores?
• Do you both have similar sleep patterns and habits?
• Are you both committed to the relationship?

These are just a few topics that I think are really important to consider and I’ve created a more comprehensive questionnaire that you can view and download here.